A Montage Of Life
Well, here I am making a liar out of myself. In my recently created journal-blog (http://andrewgilbertson.blogspot.com) I pointed out both my Myspace blog (http://www.myspace.com/andrewgilbertson) and my God Nerd blog (http://nolinecinemas.blog.com) as examples of 'defunct' or abandoned projects I have on the web, along with my website (http://www.nolinecinemas.com) (How's that for a number of shameless plus per capita ratio?), and now the mention of it has inspired me to go and make a few updates, thus disproving my own point! How ridiculous! As I wait and conduct my job search, it seems once again that my free and empty time translates into general productivity for my viewers and readers- again, my loss is their gain. Well, no offense to my devoted fanbase (both of you, I'm sure)- but I'd much rather have a job and busy social schedule than inordinate amounts of reading time- which is all to say, really... I can't promise how long this 'revival' will last. Anyhow... enough disclaiming.The purpose of the aforementioned new blog is to chronicle my tale for those back home as I embark on my new move to the East Coast; a somewhat trying time, but in keeping with the original intent of this blog, I shall leave the details largely out of here. Suffice it to say that I have found myself in unaccustomed loneliness, a generally frustrating time of job seeking and lack of social contact, circumstances which are simply not as I had hoped, and in the extension of a trying number of months I had hoped would end when I moved that seem to be pushing my ability to trust and hope to their limits. It has been... trying.Earlier in the day, I encountered a breath of fresh air. The 4 hours of Star Trek I had come to rely on to fill the empty afternoons after my job search completed was not on, this being a Friday, and I found myself rather stimulation-starved. Thus, while channel-surfing (I can already tell a bad habit is forming- hopefully my next blog entry will not be entitled 'overcoming the snare of TV addiction.'), I happened to stumble upon the broadcast of the Jim Carrey comedy Bruce Almighty. I love that movie. Sure, it's hardly perfect. I certainly could have done without the monkey scene, and especially the prelude-to-sex scene. And there are a number of rough edges. But the movie manages to get so much RIGHT, too!Of course, there is no human actor that is even remotely capable of scratching the surface of a portrayal of God; nonetheless, I can't help feeling that Morgan Freeman's performance comes at least closer than any other actor I've seen- portraying a three-dimensional character (ironic, as I am sure that God exists in more than three dimensions, if 'dimensions' as we know them have any bearing on Him whatsoever... but that is a discussion for another time.), not a cardboard cutout- a God with a sense of humor, compassion, love- a gentle teacher, as well as a powerful authoritarian- a God who relates to His creations, not just throws down orders in a booming voice. Not since the Prince of Egypt have I actually felt that a performer 'got' that aspect of God- you know, the obvious one, the one that Christians try to spread daily, sometimes it seems without success- that God is love. And that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. That the mighty God the Father who set forth the Ten Commandments in power and might is the same Jesus Christ who invited the little children to come and be blessed. That the same wrathful Almighty that decimated Sodom and Gomorrah in a fiery deluge is the same compassionate Son who wept over the death of a close friend. That the God who wiped out all the wicked men on the Earth with a global flood is the same God who saved all the wicked men on the Earth with a sacrifice of His own life on the cross. God is more than a cliché or caricature; a kindly old grandfather, a stern Zeus of rules and smighting, a surfer-dude of peace and love that can't seem to get it together enough to enforce a single rule- God is none of these, and while no man is ever going to come close to portraying what God IS... it's nice to see someone getting at least a little closer. (I have yet to view Evan Almighty and see if this trend is continued.)And then, we come to my favorite part. At the film's climax, a distraught Bruce (Jim Carrey), having lost his love, Grace, to his own selfishness, having been given the powers of God, but squandering them in his focus on himself, staggers out into the rainy night, crying to Heaven "I'm done! I'm through! I don't want to be God! I want YOU to decide what is right for me!" it is a potent and touching picture of truly surrendering your life to God, stated simply, without theological terms or high-strung King James-ian language- just a simple plea that we should all be able to pray- that we are through trying to be our own 'God' within our lives, that we truly want what God wants for us.Moments later, Bruce has a final face to face meeting with God. Asked to pray sincerely, not about world peace and feeding the hungry, as he first starts to do ("Not bad... if you're trying to be Miss America " notes God), but about what he truly cares about, Bruce admits what he truly cares about is Grace. "You want her back?" God asks. Bruce seems almost shocked at his own answer: "No." After a moment, he continues. "I want her... to be happy. To find someone who will give her all the love that she should have gotten from me. Someone who will forever see her as I see her now- through your eyes." In the film, God responds "Now THAT's a prayer!" I concur. It's been a true inspiration to me, a picture of what love really is, really should be- 'I care about her so much, I pray that You would send her someone who will give her the love and kindness and respect she deserves- even if that man is not me. I pray, oh how I desperately pray, that you would make me that man, Lord- but if I am not, then I would rather she find that man, and I step aside, than have her within anything but Your best; even if that means losing her completely.' It is a tough thing to say, an even tougher thing to genuinely mean. I think of the one I truly care about, think of how often my own selfishness has almost ruined things, how much I so want God's best for her- and realize that IS what I want for her- even if it is not me. And so, at both of these moments, with tears in my eyes, I turn my thoughts to God and pray "Lord, I have gotten so off-track! This is really what I want! To have YOUR will in my life be done! Even if it goes against what I want! To have YOUR will in my relationship be done! Even if it means losing who I cherish most!" And I pray, deep in my heart, that this commitment, this fire within me, will be a lasting one, that this will become the true focus of my life; this is where my heart truly belongs, and I want it to stay there forever! And then, there's that sound of the record screech, and the music stops, just like in the movie trailers. And I think "Wait a minute... haven't I been here before?"It's a good question. The thing is, I know I HAVE. The last time I watched this movie, if nothing else. And at the last church campout. And the one before that. And probably a hundred more times, too. I've been broken. I've been humbled. I've been pumped. I've been devoted. I've been tearfully committed to change my life for good and serve as I have not served, to take my focus off of myself, to do what is right in all things.And just like every time, I wonder- "What in the world happened?"It's what's called a mountain-top experience. That exultant moment of connection, that feeling of closeness to God, that resolve to do what is right... it never seems to last. That's hardly new. Just look in the Bible. How many miracles did God do for the ancient Israelites after they were delivered from Egypt ? And how long did it take them to fall back into grumbling and complaining? They watched God drive the entire Egyptian army into the Sea that He had just parted on either side of them for them to walk across on dry land, and the entire nation is gathered on the shore singing praises to His name- and a few weeks later, Moses leaves for a few days and they're cooking up a golden calf to worship? How can you FORGET something like that? How can you come down from that high to such a low? It seems to be a part of our sinful nature- it does matter how close we get to God; if we are not careful and faithful, we can drift away completely as if it had never happened at all.I've found a great difficulty in this myself, lately. I want to trust God to do His will in my life, to serve Him... but what about right now, when I'm just job searching and then looking for something to do the rest of the day? Oh, sure, if I was called to go to Iraq and preach the gospel, or torn between two difficult jobs, or uncertain whether I was being led to sell all of my possessions and give the money to the poor, then I could say "God's will be done, lead me through this choice and I will follow!" But how about now, when I am doing very little? When my biggest decision is 'watch Star Trek or Stargate this evening while I'm waiting for dinner?'Likewise, I want to be committed to purity in my relationship with the one I care about- to loving her, respecting her, being the best friend I possibly can be- and it would be easy to see where my actions should lie when it came to temptation to push physical boundaries, or deciding whether to propose, or dealing with some great crisis that might split us up... but how do I apply those things now, just trying to be patient and getting to know her in person. I mean, nothing's happening, right? There are no major issues, no major decisions, no major... anything! I've started to thing of it as 'living in a montage world.' Have you ever stopped to look at a montage in a movie? As a filmmaker, I certainly have. They really are the height of deception, in a way- taking the slow, mundane passing of time, the least exciting aspect of life, and trying to make it look even livelier and snappier than the regular moments! I mean, think about the montage of a champion training for the big fight. We see him do a snap-kick, then a roll-dive, then a hammer fist combination, then a punching bag routine, then job with an ox tied around his neck, then try to snatch a cricket with a pair of chopsticks, then pound the punching back a little more, then do a snap kick with the ox tied around his neck this time, then he's getting strong, so we see him running with ease carrying an oxen in each hand, then snatching two crickets at a time with a single chopstick while his wizened old Chinese master sits on his shoulders (every great fighter must have a wizened old oriental man to train him or he will fail), then punching the bag some more and knocking it off it's chain, and then running with the crickets and the oxen and the wizened old master seated atop an elephant all chained to his bulging muscled biceps past a waterfront at sunset and he lifts his hands up high in a victory pose and this is how we know he is finally ready- cut back to normal time, the day of the big match! And how much time has passed? Thirty seconds or so?But wait just a minute! The last scene was five minutes long and covered five minutes of time... this montage was thirty seconds long and covered the next three weeks of time? Obviously, something got left out! In fact, almost every shot we saw was new and unique- we only saw a repetition when something changed with it, like an added oxen... we didn't really see him do that snap kick twice. Or fifty times. Or hundreds, day after day. We didn't see him get up and eat a hearty breakfast and drive down to the gym to meet his master. We didn't see him straining to even MOVE the ox the first time, or watch day after day as he made it a few feet farther with the pack animal strapped to his back- we just jumped right in. Before you know it, it was over! Just like a sports recap show, we got only the highlights, missing the many, many more mundane moments in between that made each highlight possible! Why, the montage made these impossible feats seem downright easy, and the whole practice took... well, thirty seconds! Montages can cover a lot of time. You can show a house being built in one minute flat. But go and try and build that house yourself? Somehow I suspect you'll find a lot more tedium and hard work than the montage ever suggested. It showed a frame up, then with a quick fade, the frame was covered in drywall. But guess what, champ? Every single piece of drywall had to be laid. Or... framed. Or... hammered. Or however you put up drywall. (Mr. Fixit, I'm not!) The point being, like so much in our culture, montages are based on instant gratification- all the results without all the work.Of course, for movies, this is only practical- you can't make a three week long movie and show every moment of the champ's training, 24/7- the audiences would never come! But for life, it can present an unrealistic standard. It's easy to look at 'events-' major happenings in our life. I myself am greatly looking forward to weekends, which I can now spend with my Best Friend- something I am quite thrilled about. Weekends are going to be a wonderful time, a shared experience, a real blast! But the reality is... I have to live through every one of the five days in between them, and each of the days lasts just as long as the two that comprise the weekends. In a movie, the montage would move from highlight to highlight of those weekends, probably even skipping a number of them and only hitting specific highlights on specific weekends. That's what we like to focus on, after all- the good, the fun, the major, the significant- the breaks from the ordinary. But in real life, the ordinary is still there. Likewise, life isn't just a series of 'events.' A flashback sequence may show a baby being born, a child riding their first bike, a prom, a college graduation, getting married, having a child, buying a house... but in between those events, many days, weeks, months, and even years of 'the ordinary' are going to happen. We don't show them, because there's nothing exciting about them- but they're there.This fits together well with 'mountain top experiences.' They're the 'events.' We don't like to focus on the times in-between... but they're there nonetheless. That motivational speech the coach gives to his team before the big game? Well, come next week's game, he's going to have to give another one, because that 'pumped' inspiration is going to have worn off, slowly eroded away by the daily grind. In fact, chances are, even if he gives the best "Now let's get out there and WIN!!!" speech of his life, if he does so before shuffling the team onto the bus for a three hour ride to the actual field where the game is taking place, that motivation is going to be pretty sorely lacking by the game's opening buzzer. What can I say? Fickle creatures are we. Motivations wear off. Good intentions slip off. (Hence the phrase "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions-" you may start off with high ideals and great intents- but will they last through to when the tough choices come?) We come down from the mountaintop. And since we are geared to a 'montage' mindset, based on events, we think very much about the mountaintop, and the exciting idea of sharing and doing our good works to the world waiting at the foot of the mountain- but we seldom stop and think about maintaining that excitement during the somewhat dull, long, and arduous climb that will take us TO the foot of the mountain where we can go out into the world to do these good deeds. And chances are, after three stubbed toes, accidentally making a wrong turn or two, sore, stiff spiritual 'muscles' and other rigors of the climb, the mundane, no matter how small or trifling compared to that intense joy and connection and commitment to change, will often manage to distract us completely from the mountaintop experience by the time we've finished climbing down- we reach the foot of the mountain, the place where we can actually DO something about our experience, no better off than when we started up the mountain, because the journey has numbed us to what happened at the peak. It's strange, really- the little trifles and troubles and boredoms, were they experienced on the mountaintop, would seem so insignificant that we would barely even notice they existed compared to the bountiful joy of what we were experiencing. But once we are out of direct contact with the mountaintop, those little, pathetic nothings can somehow grow to take on new importance. Since we of the Montage Mindset are so set on events and the 'major,' we fall into a trap. Like a climber glorying in the sun at the peak of a mountain, then having to climb down through a long, dark cave, once the sun is behind us, the dim, flickering candles that light the way through the cave suddenly seem to grow to titanic importance. They don't have nearly the same brightness, or warmth, or radiance of the sun- but as they are the biggest 'events' we are exposed to in the dark stretch, they seem just as important, if not moreso, than the sun that is now out of sight, out of mind.In other words, we forget to seek out God's will in the mundane. We forget to praise Him during the boring. We forget to remain vigilant and on guard during the peaceful lull- and if you've ever seen an action movie, it's when the guards get like that, sleepy and lazy after feasting on roast boar, or in a more contemporary setting, sitting and playing cards while ignoring the security camera monitors... that is the time when the intruders strike, and win. The lazy times. The slow times. The enemy creeps in, catches you off guard- and you lose without ever realizing you were under attack. That's the trick. You see, our little cave metaphor, while hardly perfect (few of my metaphors are) yields us one other interesting fact. While the candles are completely different, and far less powerful than the sun seen at the peak of the hill- they are still lights. Small, weak, seemingly insignificant- but if they were gone from that long, dark cave- you would realize just how much impact they had! Likewise, while the mountaintop experience, or the major 'events' of our life may seem like the only things that matter... it turns out that even those simple choices during the mundane, the moments spent in long, boring waiting with nothing to do, those endless repetitions trying to run a few feet farther with that ox around your neck even though all you're really looking for is that big fight coming up- they count, too. In fact, they affect what shape you're going to be in when the next big 'event' comes. They are dull. They are ordinary. But they aren't without meaning.Now, this blog is being written kind of on the fly. It may seem like it's going in five different directions at once, or not tying it's separate points together well- maybe it just has too many metaphors. The truth of the matter is, it's as much a process of trying to uncover the answers for me as it is an attempt to provide any answers. Coming into this, the only help I could offer is, as they say "Admitting the problem is the first step towards curing it." Maybe, by the end of this, that will STILL be all I have to offer. God knows full well that I have a problem with this, and unless He gives me a sudden thunderbolt inspiration, I will likely STILL have a problem with this! But, just to catch up, tossing aside the mountain and the cave and the Rocky wanna-be with a bovine chained to his torso, the matter boils down to this: It is crucial to maintain our focus in the in-between times. Because that's where we lose our edge. That's where the mountaintop wears off. That's where we get off-track. During that bus ride between the coaches speech and the actual game time. (Whoops- back into the metaphors!) During that day of sitting around watching TV in between deciding to go out and spend more time in prayer during the weekdays and the time that Monday morning actually rolls around. During that lull between events when it seems that nothing important is happening- we can still, and NEED to, remember to serve God, to seek His will, His direction, to serve Him, even in those times where it seems like nothing we are doing is truly significant. Because life isn't a montage. All those little times add up. In fact, they probably make up most of your life. They outnumber the 'events' a thousand to one. And if you're not really focusing on God during those times... how do you expect to still have your enthusiasm up and ready to go when the next 'event' rolls around, weeks or months later?I'm going to leave this question open, actually. I don't like doing so. I like to give answers. But the truth is, I spend enough time thinking on those questions that have baffled scholars or plagued mankind through the ages that if I waited to actually have an answer before I posted a blog, then you'd probably be looking at a blank page. Instead, I will leave this as a challenge to you, the readers. Something to think about: how can I focus on God more during the doldrums, the times where it seems like nothing important is happening in my life? How can I keep from losing my edge? Comments and suggestions are welcome- meanwhile, I'm going to do some praying and studying- and maybe write a follow-up with a few suggestions of my own in a week or so. Until then (and long after that, for that matter,) may God be with you- and you in Him!
